The most awkward week of my life told through quotes

So, the title pretty much sums up my week. Since I'm not big into sharing the dirty details of my personal life with the rest of world, I'll just share these quotes with you (Don't worry. Only one of these quotes is from me...)


1. "So... you and my son, eh?"


2. "Are you sure that's not you, because he looks a LOT like a longer haired version of you."
"So, Dad, are you saying you think I'M the one who wears the pants then?"
"Yes. It's like looking in a mirror. 'You're so gorgeous.' 'No, YOU'RE so gorgeous.'"


3. "Slowly, slowly, three times through the grinder..." 


4."Don't lick his face. I know you and your licking ways..."


5. "ChaCha, do men 'swordfight' to have sex?"


6. "Well, I guess that makes him a terrible ass homewrecker. And BTW, the 'fail at life' part is sort of implied from that, so no need for the redundancy."


7. "Be meaner baby kangaroos." ("Horton Hears a Who" reference...)


8. "Reindeer are for amateurs. True badasses use marsupials."


I'm betting that I will end up editing/adding to this list a LOT MORE this week.

Perry + Gabby's First 15 Rules of Life: (Like the Ten Commandments, only scandalous)

So, my friend Perry and I were discussing at a sleepover at her house how we have a few friends whose advice never seems to work for us not matter how much they convince us it will, so to help us follow our own beliefs (and also because it was 3 in the morning, no one was on Skype anymore, and we were out of sparkling cider, which all lead to melodramatic boredom and excessive eating), we decided to create a list of rules off the top of our heads that we will *try* to live by. These are the 15 we came up with so far.


#1. Make sure the pen you're using to write the list actually @&$?¡€#% works.
#2. NEVER ask/heed/listen to relationship advice from friends whose love lives have never worked out and/or friends who've never dated. (Oh, and ugly friends, too. Forgot that one...)
#3. NEVER ask a guy why he likes you. He'll *usually* end up questioning why he does, and get the hell out of dodge. I know WAYYY too many people who make that mistake.
#4. Icing and ice cream do NOT make everything better, ladies, despite what you've seen on sitcoms. It only makes awkward Skype conversations with people at sleepovers that makes you seem high... Wait, what I was saying?
#5. Do NOT plank on spiky fences. Despite what you may have been told, you are NOT Jesus. (or maybe you are...)
#6. Don't wear lipstick if you're in a relationship because it screams "I'm single, and can wear whatever the hell I want on my lips because no one's ever going to touch mine. I could wear elephant s**t if I really wanted to (but that's another story ;))"
#7. Never say "balls" if you have the opportunity to say "bollocks."
#8. Never tell anyone you think you might meet twice what you truly think about anything, ESPECIALLY if you're a girl.
#9. Pointy shoes are the best choice of weapon for kicking males in their privates. Just sayin'.
#10. Guys who use the word "faggot" in a derogatory sense are obviously compensating for something.
#11. DO NOT KISS WITH YOUR EYES OPEN. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE.
#12. Algebra 2 is an entirely pointless class. It's just there to fill the gap between shapes and calculators.
#13. If you can't comprehend European humor, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOU. If you can, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOU, but in a good way. ;)
#14. Don't go to the movies as a first date. You really don't get to know them if you're sitting quietly in the dark, unless you're a pervert and that's the only way you'll ever want to know them. I'm totally kidding. Be a pervert. xD
#15. Always walk in tempo, whether there's music playing or not, in which case, sing or hum to yourself even if you look like a moron doing it.


To be continued when the authors are sane once more (which is NEVERRR, so suck it up)...

My friend Ecce Consheepies and other oddities

So, this is my first attempt (and what probably will be a FAIL) at blogging. Yes, I'm fourteen years old. No, I won't censor myself for you, so be warned, this blog contains mature content. I hope this blog about my life will either make you laugh, or maybe even offend you. Either way, I absolutely dare you to have an opinion.

For those of you who get the joke, yes, I named my blog after my dear Ecce Consheepies. For those of you who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, Ecce Consheepies is the name I gave to the little sheep sitting on the piano in the choir room at my work. It's a pun on the latin phrase "ecce concipies' which *I believe* literally translates into "behold, conceive." So, obviously, if you are that naïve that you haven't figured this all out by now, this is all a 'that's what she said' bestiality joke. If you are offended by sexual innuendo, TURN BACK NOW. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, TURN BACK NOW. If you just blinked, TURN B--I'm just kidding.

Anyways, enjoy. I hope to see you all in hell. ;)